Wednesday, December 24, 2008
When Fashion Attacks
While braving the weather and throngs of my fellow Holiday Procrastinators on Christmas Eve Day, I became aware of an alarming fashion statement: high-heeled snow boots.
If any of my readers happen to be owners of this seemingly perilous footwear, please feel free to explain to me the merit of such a fashion trend.
Now, I readily admit that while I am new to life amid snow and ice, I am not new to good sense. The latter is at complete and total odds to this mind-boggling fashion statement.
I don't presume to think that fashion should makes sense, as historically, fashion does not make sense. The following garment is certainly a stellar example of senseless fashion.
The Hood Thong. This particular piece of apparel makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, unless we are referring to bad sense. With this piece of "clothing" it is now possible to give a wedgie without ever having to catch the edge of one's undies. Just grab a hold of the hood of the next uber-thin, stuck-up tramp you see, and pull hard. My own opinion of a thong is that it is a constant wedgie... but, whatever. I have to wonder what sort of necessity gave birth to this invention. I mean, were there an overwhelming amount of complaints to the manufacturers of hooded-sweaters that the hoods kept falling down and that drawstrings were just not enough to keep them in place? Or maybe it was the very valid complaint that people are sick and tired of being subject to the "thong preview" when women bend over. Maybe this piece is some one's perverted way to address that problem? Either way, I just don't see how this garment is a solution... to anything, really.
Back to the hazards of high-heeled snow boots. I first noticed them being sported by a middle-aged woman wearing three thick layers of foundation, what must have been an entire tube of eyeliner, and a pair of jeans that were at least 3 sizes too small and which, unfortunately for my retinas, gave an ongoing thong preview to all who weren't yet blind. Did I mention that I was at Wal-Mart? I probably didn't have to. Anyhow, for that one woman, they perfectly complimented her fashion sense.
I was shocked to notice them once more when I stopped at the gas station. This time, they were on a young woman who, other than these boots, seemed to be well put-together. There was no evidence of a year's worth of make-up all at once, her pants fit decently, and though my eyesight was still recovering, I do believe that her undergarments were in their appropriate place. She just looked so awkward attempting to maneuver the ice-slicked pavement in these boots, that it completely ruined her otherwise decent fashion sense.
I filled my tank, grabbed my receipt, and left the gas station even more perplexed as to why, oh why, someone would spend money on high-heeled snow boots?!?! I was hoping that I had seen the last of this physically-hazardous fashion statement. But, no... I hadn't.
I observed them once more at the grocery store, displayed on a teenager, who, to be perfectly honest, is the only person with an excuse for the lack of brain-power necessary to wear them. I couldn't take it any more. I just couldn't stop myself from laughing out loud - in amusement or incredulity I don't know. But, a loud laugh came unbidden from my mouth. The moody teen with her ironed, streaked bangs dramatically covering all but one corner of one eye didn't notice as she sulked fashionably behind her Mom in the produce section. I'm guessing that these were her first pair of heels, as she tried desperately to not look too awkward. Instead, she looked like she was walking on stilts and was about to topple over at any moment. Her coolness prevented her from waving her arms in an attempt to balance herself, and while focusing intently on not losing her balance, she walked smack-dab into her Mom who had paused to inspect some vegetables. I had to retreat to the dairy section to hide my tears and utter amusement.
I realize that I am probably coming off as judgmental and petty by ridiculing something so inane as others' shoe choices. I'm sorry, but when one chooses to wear something so contradictory as high-heeled snow boots, they must realize that they are making themselves targets for folks such as myself who prefer to make it through the snow and ice without physical injury, or without having to stop to assist the nincompoop of a woman with a sprained ankle who decided that 22 degree icy, snowy, winter days were the appropriate venue for their fashion show, and who will inevitably be the true victim of a fashion faux pas.