Moron Exploitation - As Seen On TV!

You’ve probably noticed them, too. “Wonder-product” commercials are popping up everywhere. They all have the same formula comprised of a menial task, an idiot doing it wrong and a new and improved, foolproof way to get the job done. If you call NOW they’ll throw in, not one, but TWO completely superfluous gadgets as a bonus - all for the incredible price of just $39.95 plus shipping & handling and quite possibly, your soul! I’m not saying that these products are not timesavers and worth every penny of your hard-earned $39.95, but where do they find these amateurs? Who makes commercials that exploit morons encountering their daily strife and why do I get so much enjoyment out of them? These are the commercials I love to hate.

Let’s look at exhibits A through E of Commercials for the Criminally Inane:

The poor woman in the Smart Spin Carousel commercial can’t open her cupboard without an avalanche of plastic containers raining down on her head. If you watch the very beginning of the commercial, you’ll actually see her throwing the plastic-ware onto herself. Who DOES that?! I’ve never seen anyone endure such a bombardment and then figure, “Well, it’s all coming down anyway; I might as well just …THROW IT AT MY FACE!!”

(Disclaimer: When the voices are telling you to hurl things at yourself, the Smart Spin cannot be used to replace prescription medication.)

Aqua Globes’ advertisement shows a woman who can’t seem to water her plants properly. She tries. Oh yes, she tries, but the water seems to just…go…EVERYWHERE. First, she pours too much water over the entire plant and the runoff ruins the finish on her table. Then she forgets to water the plant and it wilts (okay, I do that, too), causing her face to take on that “someone kicked my puppy” look. She’s positively devastated that her plant is wilting and lacks the skills required to keep its apparently insatiable thirst quenched. I figured that if she couldn’t pour water into a pot of dirt, then filling up a glass ball through a small tube would be difficult for this one to master. Of course when she puts the Aqua Globe into the pot, upside down, in one fluid movement, spilling not one drop, I had to say, “Sham-WOW!”

One of my favorites is a commercial for a “seed rug” or “flower carpet” called the Roll & Grow. In this one, a man is having such a difficult time planting flowers that he picks up poor, defenseless seedlings by the handful and throws them down into the dirt. Quite violently. Come on, people. Is it really THAT hard? Make a hole, put the plant in, fill it in with dirt – yeah, that’s a toughie.

Then there’s the Bay City Slider Station. This nifty little thing looks like a skillet and a divided lunch tray in one package. It’s super easy to use: Put in a few globs of meat and press down. Voila! No flipping necessary! They obviously understand that not everyone possesses the dexterity required to operate a spatula.

The Snuggie is my most recent favorite Commercial for the Criminally Inane. Apparently, a robe AND a blanket is just too cumbersome, so we have to make a robe OUT OF a blanket. This is akin to “Your seat becomes a floatation device”, isn’t it? And notice how the Snuggie-wearers all seem to look like members of some strange cult? “Put on your blanket/robe, grab a cup of the special punch, and prepare to rendezvous with the spaceship to Shangri-la.”

I could stay here and rant about these commercials all day, but I have to go Bedazzle my cat.

Word.